end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Randomize
