I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Randomize