i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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