I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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