I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
