So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
