i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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