I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Why can't burritos get me drunk
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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