pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
