So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
