U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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