maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
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