dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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