You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Randomize