the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
