i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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