so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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