Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
