i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize