I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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