i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
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