I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
