We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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