a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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