sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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