My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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