Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
