i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize