What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
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