I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
