Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
