I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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