Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
and she was petting her beer can
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
