Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
