the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
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