im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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