I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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