A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
