So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Rumble strips road head = magical
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
