wanna go halves on a baby?
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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