She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
