i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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