He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
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