in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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