Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
