Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
