hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
