i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Four minutes until I can fart!
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Randomize
