Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize
