The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
