You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
