What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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