I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
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