i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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