I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
