i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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