The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
drinking out of a sandbucket again
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize