Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
