I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
