I faked an abortion last night.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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