did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize