I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Randomize
