I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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