Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
