I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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