he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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