I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
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