If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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