So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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