when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
