I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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