Tell her she can't have a vagina
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Randomize
